THE DAILY BAILEY
entry: 1
date: december 6, 2023
before i jump right in the people should know that the daily bailey is nothing crazy or special, it is simply the fuckin scoop, okay? it's not a piece or anything to impress. it's the garbage disposal of my brain.
my mind will never rest, it's something i'm trying desperately to radically accept and appreciate in my own obscure ways, but nonetheless i truly never know silence. i spend a lot of time trying to romanticize it, tell myself it's a gift and to feel sorry for all the people with empty dull minds and dreams that follow suit. not in an 'i'm a profit' way, hear me when i say i'm working on the ego thing... it's more so either 'i crave creativity and it craves me right back' way or 'i might be neurodivergent' way. still haven't figured that out and it's because i'm not trying.
i love being alone. i love it so much sometimes i worry that my roommates think i don't love them as much as i do. there's just something about being in my room by myself with my journal and all my favorite pens with no one talking at me or bothering me- it's my favorite thing ever.
since i know no peace within my own mind, i absolutely must have my solitude. this too, is a gift in its own way; did you know some people have no idea how to be alone? that's some freak shit in my opinion. i love being alone so much sometimes when i get really upset, i pray to god that i go to jail so i can be alone forever. i don't believe in god, so i'm not worried about it but you get my point. sometimes i wonder if that stems from always feeling misunderstood. it took me a while to get to that golden nugget, lots of reflection. there are a lot of things i've done or ways i've acted because of simply feeling misunderstood. doesn't excuse anything of course but if there's one thing you must know about me, it's that i need answers. so it was nice to find part of one in this. for so much of my life, i've felt exceedingly different from everyone around me and not in a good way. there's something about growing up in a small town that makes you feel ridiculously significant. so in some ways, it felt like i was under a magnifying glass. another thing about growing up in a small town, people will talk about the things you did when you were 12 years old when you're 20. the same people from the first paragraph with the dull minds and dull dreams who are unfulfilled and empty. something about all that can really make a girl fall in love with being alone. i feel like i'm someone who was never given an option other than to be strictly myself, while also having absolutely no control over who i am or who i'm changing into. (extremely universal experience, i know, just let me have it fuck off). being performative in nature, sometimes i look back on my life and feel like my entire adolescence was on display for each and every person around me. the good parts and especially the bad parts. realistically, there was never really a magnifying glass- and my feeling of significance comes entirely from within myself and my own ego. i never mattered as much as i thought i did and i won't matter as much as i think i do the next time i make a mistake like a fucking human and my world feels like it's ending. when it's all said and done, people will misunderstand me everyday until i die and there's absolutely fucking nothing to be done about it. i learned long ago that there is no use in convincing anyone of your worth or selling yourself. the point of my life is that it's mine, it was made special for just me to live it however i want. what kind of stupid idiot would give that shit up? or let anyone else get in the way? get with the program, people.
and that was the daily bailey, folks!
now let's work on getting a grip today 💕💕💕 with PLUR xoxo B😎
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